I figure I’d use my credentials this once so you’ll know that the information presented here is scientifically sound. Here we go:
1. Clear up your holiday schedule since the most painful break up usually happens
during those times.
2. Spend time with people you don’t know. For instance, go to a bookstore or coffee shop.
3. Be prepared to cry at a drop of a hat. The tears come without any warning, hence the previous suggestion about people you don’t know.
4. This time, refuse to generalize or close down. You know, the twitchy, “I’m Fine,” disposition? Well that’s what I mean by closed down. There are still good men out there. He didn’t mean to hurt you on purpose.
5. Remember, grief has a taste. Pay attention to what yours tastes like. Give in to cravings. If you are like me, your grief will taste like a big bag of Munchies, to cover the salty craving, properly balanced by the sweet taste of a large, soft, homemade chocolate chip cookie. Yes, homemade. What? Doesn’t your gas station manager make home made cookies?
6. To aid the mindless eating you’ll need LOTS of movies. It starts with an action movie, but soon you’ll discover that movie series work best. Since these are not your usual type of movies, you don’t have to rent them. Check them out from the library for free.
7. Go to your library early in the day and pick up three or four of them to last you through the weekend. Start with Harry Potter for the week of Christmas. Follow that with The Lord of The Rings, for New Years Eve and day. Finish with Chronicles of Narnia.
8. Discover that part two of the Lord of The Rings is scratched. Don’t fret. Search iTunes and rent it, so you won’t have to lose your rhythm.
9. Learn the hours of operation of a few convenient stores around you because Mrs. Hyde of cravings comes out at night when your defenses drop. In the morning the health nut will be in charge and in awe of last night’s catastrophe. She would never let you even think such hideous thoughts.
10. Be stealth and rotate your store, as the gas station clerk will get to know your shabby appearance, what with glasses and that fleece sweater. If you make eye contact, she will comment, “are you back at it again?” She’ll say that especially since on your last binge run you actually had the audacity to talk to her about your gym routine.
11. On New Year’s Eve drive to the 24-hour convenient store (the one you scouted on your way to the gym earlier). Unlike the first trip, when you felt a little hesitation about the idea of junkfood, this time you’ll smile at being mischievous. Take your sweet time to choose the items you want and still end up with…well…Munchies, this time Mrs. Field’s chocolate cookie and a diet Pepsi. That’s right. I said diet.
12. Walk to pay and discover their register is down. Just wait there and hope the thing starts to work, soon. Just stand around with your precious stuff because you are not going to let them go. Thirty minutes and lots of customers later walk to the manager and offer to pay him cash. Leave victoriously with your bag of goodies.
13. Start the movie. Be prepared for the sugar and caffeine rush, which can potentially have you up till 3 a.m. staring at the screen. At least you won’t have any teary breakdowns. Your body is busy trying to understand exactly what it is supposed to do with all that food.
15. It’s perfectly normal to collapse on your side, briefly. Your stomach is trying to stretch. No worries. Before long you can sit back up and resume. If not, just pick at the cookies while lying down. No big deal.
16. At around 11:57 p.m. on New Years Eve, search your laptop for a live count down. Don’t pause the movie until the count down begins. Now pause, count ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year.
17. Press play.
18. By 3 a.m. get ready for sleep. Skip flossing. Get in your bed and elevate your head with a couple of pillows. Your esophageal sphincter (the connection between your esophagus and stomach)won’t be able to stay closed with all that food if you are horizontal. You’ll want to prevent reflux. Then sink into a massive food coma, which will probably last till the middle of the next day, causing you to miss all your classes at the gym.
19. Relax. It’s New Year’s Day. The gym is closed.
20. The above prescription may be used safely for a total of three weeks.
Number of refills: None.
Signed: Dr. Bahar Anooshahr