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imgresDear Grunting Weightlifter,

Would you kindly refrain from emitting nonhuman noises as you lift what is obviously beyond your capabilities.  My last observation is due to the fact that you frequently lose correct form and in an effort to look manly end up looking deranged.  What do I mean you wonder?  Well, I mean only your face undergoes transformation into The Hulk, albeit a crimson version.

In the category of noise I am including the clanging of the metal plates as well as your beastly cries.  We can all do without the high decibel seismic vibrations during our exercise.  I assure you that you can accomplish the same amount of exertion by keeping your voice out of it and synchronizing breath to movement.  Just look at the yoginis.  They bend their bodies into pretzels, yet all we hear is the sound of the ocean emanating from the back of their throats.  And believe me, people still watch them with admiration.  There’s no need to sound like an Abu Ghraib detainee with each movement.  No need for profanity, either.  I invite you to think about what it is you are swearing at anyway.  Is it at yourself? Then quit looking in the mirror with every repetition.  Wait, unless those are “fuck”s and “shit”s of admiration.  Admire in private, lad.  Try to hold back for one hour in our midst.  Is it perhaps the heaviness?  Then decrease the weight for heaven’s sake.  Take time to build up to the next level.  The rest of us would much rather focus on our own workout than bear witness to your wails.

Allow me to shed some light on the perspective of the opposite sex.  Generally speaking the more mysterious and less captive-gorilla-attempting-to-escape-sounding you are, the more attention of the good kind you will receive from us.   If you look away from the mirror every so often to observe the rest of the gym members, you will notice how most people either roll their eyes or laugh at the spectacle that you are.  I call this the bad kind of attention.  You see?

Just yesterday you sounded as if suffering from severe constipation, every weighted squat a cry for emptying the poop-shoot.

Breathe chap.

I assure you, there’s nothing sexy about a man who sounds like his testicles are being twisted.  Women are much more intrigued by silent strength combined with a good dose of humility.

Moreover, some of us have no patience for lack of intelligence either.  How can you possibly bang the weights under the very sign, that in red letters, says: please don’t drop the weights.   On a few occasions I imagined stepping off the machine, taking your hand, walking you to the paper, and having you read the sentence out loud, then saying: “again…again…. again,” until your brain registered the message.

Forget about today. It’s clearly a lost cause.  How about a fresh start tomorrow?  Be quiet, don’t drop the plates, and limit self-gawking in the mirror.  Steal little gazes if you can’t live without staring at the neck-less mass that you are.  Better luck with the ladies next time.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.


Gym gal